Remorse.

It’s a long time that I did not feel such a remorse.
I’m remorse on almost everything that I am doing.
I aware about the consequences.
Maybe I’m facing the music now,however,the feeling keeps on catching me and made me feeling scared to it.

Lord Buddha,here I face the problem after so many months of being so positive.
I felt like I'm involving in such a crime.Oh Buddha!
I can't bare the regret,it's almost like i'm trying to kill myself to stay calm.
It seems like i dunno how to apologise to myself.
I do not even know how to forgive myself.

I am really grateful to Buddha that His teaching and words of wisdom shows me the way,it made me aware.
However,I'm just can't accept how bad am I in this case.
I'm really sorry,
sorry to myself,to my parents,to my family members,to people that always support me and give me the strength to be here.
I feel like I'm betraying them.There is a non-stop feeling that made me can't really
face myself.

Buddha,I know that I'm now moving towards another way,the way to lock myself rather than gaining happiness.
I know that it is not the way u show it to me.
Yet,i can't even face either the problem or me myself.
I treat it so big that I can't really accept I did it.
It does not obey my self-principle.This is not the life that i dream to be or i want to be.
I know the cause of suffering but frankly i have no guts to face it,not even finding the way to end it.
I really pray that it will come to an end.It really spoil my mood and slow down my progress.

Thinking about the life that i planned before I'm here,
Thinking about my parents that always support me in anyway that i wanna be,
Thinking about the words of wisdom and advice that given by my dear relatives,teachers and friends,
Thinking about what i promised to everyone,
Thinking about my prayers and promises to Buddha,
I'm regret.
I know I'm not following exactly the path that i planned and i should go.

I AM FED UP.

Buddha,please,give me the strength to accept all this.
Guide me to be brave to face the music.
Guide me to be brave to accept and change myself.
I know what I want.
I know what I did.
Although i'm nt sure how should i make things correct,yet,I know i MUST do so.

Buddha,Please forgive me of being that bad.
Dad and mum,please understand how remorse am i and forgive me.
Jodelle,please be brave to accept everything.
Please follow the guidance of buddha.
Please be brave to admit ur fault.
PLEASE.

Now i know,
FORGIVE YOURSELF IS ALWAYS HARDER THAN FORGIVING OTHER.

Buddha,I believe U are the spirit for me.
I believe Buddhism is what I can rely on.
Please give me the strength and forgive me.
AMITABHA.