Fear.

I know it may be the negative elements that turn to obstacle for me to walk further.
I know i am running out of time.
I tried to stop for a while and see what really happening.
I tried to look for the main reason.
I tried many ways to get rid of it.
I tried to cheat to myself that I'm alright.
I tried to convince myself that things gonna be alright.
I tried to enjoy myself during every moment.
I tried to smile.
I tried to put it down.
I tried to counsel myself.
I tried to tell everyone that I'm okay.
I tried to ignore it.
I tried to make things right.
I tried to face the music.
I tried every path that might help a lot.

However,from the bottom of my heart,
I know clearly--
I am in FEAR.
It's almost unbearable.
I tried to look for source of reliance and courage.
I know it's hard,
I dun wanna become an attachment for anyone,
I dun wanna make anyone worry about me.

Seeing people around me that are currently 'bond-pairing' with their loved one.
Looking at personalities around me that are straight forward and easily share their problems.
I'm admire.(or maybe envy)

Actually I know that my family is always there for me,
I know that actually i can spill it out instead of storing in deep in my heart.
I know that there should be somewhere/someone for me to rely on.
I know it.

Yet,i really dun want my family to worry about me,
I don't wanna make people worry,
I rather smile reluctantly than showing the sadness in me,
I have to accept that so far there is no place/no one that really let me to rely on.

I tried my best to convince myself that it's alright.
I tried my best to tell myself that believe in yourself.
I tried my best to be confident.
I tried my best to be BRAVE.
I tried my best to find the COURAGE.
I tried my best to tell myself,with the blessing and strength that Buddha gives me,I can cope with everything.
I tried my best to say--GAMBATEH to myself.

It doesn't help so far.
I am still in FEAR.

Argh!Buddha,please shows me the way again.
Bless me to walk on the right path FEARLESSLY.
Amitabha.